When it all becomes TOO MUCH!

Do you ever feel like some days are just too much? Do you ever feel like you're not doing enough? Do you ever feel like giving up? If you've answered yes to any of these questions then you'll understand exactly how I am feeling at the moment. I think it's about time that I shared with you the reason why I am trying to find the balance in my life: It is because I am currently very unhappy with how things are balanced in my life. So unhappy in fact that I have just been diagnosed with depression yet again.

Depression, anxiety and obsessive complusive disorder (OCD) are three problems that I have been dealing with most of my life. They are three dark holes that once I'm in them, I find them very hard to get out of. When I am happy and there isn't much stress in my life then these conditions start to ease and I always feel that maybe they've gone for good this time. And then as soon as that stress starts creeping back into my life... BAM... those three problems are back and in full force!

Things started to take a turn for the worse quite literally at the very beginning of this year. My cat got very ill over Christmas and New Years and due to the amount of days the vets would be shut over this period we decided the best thing to do would be to operate. Over $1,100 later he was given a diagnosis of pancreatitis. Then the fuel tank on my car broke and needed fixing - another $1,200 there. Then my ex, who is also Jesse's father, came back from a 3 month holiday in America and decided he now wanted Jesse EVERY weekend but no other times. I thought this was an unfair arrangement and so we are now in a custody battle - currently in mediation stage. I then started university which meant dropping down to one income which is a struggle because my partner does not earn very much. I then had to drop from a full-time study load of 4 units down to 3 units because I had become so stressed over everything that was going on that I found it difficult to concentrate. Then one night in frustration, as I was cooking dinner, the oven broke on me yet again so I gave it a nice swift kick and as a result broke my toe. I spent the next 6 weeks getting around in pain, wearing a very funny looking shoe. Not long after this I started getting very bad pains on the lower right side of my abdomen. Appendix - I thought. And so off I went to hospital. Turns out not appendicitis but maybe a problem with my bowels. So I am now on the wait list for a colonoscopy and an endoscopy. All of this has become so overwhelming that my OCD and depression have reared their ugly heads again. Which only makes everything seem all the more difficult. Now just getting out of bed in the mornings is a total struggle! I would best describe my depression as always feeling on the verge. On the verge of tears - that is if I'm not already crying.

Crumpet on the mend. (You can see where his tummy was shaved for the operation)

I was hesitant to share all of this with you. And I feel embarrassed to admit that I am suffering mentally as well as physically at the moment. What if people think I'm a bad mother? What if people think I'm just complaining? What if people think I'm crazy? But I thought to myself today: "What if someone else is going through something similar to what I am?" "What if someone is feeling what I am feeling?" If you are out there and reading this then know that YOU are NOT alone! Being a parent is hard. Being a university student is hard. Being in a custody battle is hard. Struggling with any kind of mental health problem is hard. But you're still here (as am I) and you are doing the best that you can. Give yourself a pat on the back and give yourself credit for everything you have accomplished so far. When you hit a bump in the road, don't give up - push on! It will all be worth it in the end.

The road ahead.