Something my psychologist said today really triggered something inside of me. She was talking about control and basically pointing out to me that I am happiest and at my most comfortable when I feel as though I am in control of a situation. And I realised something... it is when I feel out of control in a situation that I start to despise it or become anxious about it. Here are a few examples:
I get angry about Tessa when she misbehaves and I often take my temper out on Dave because he is the one who promised to walk her, train her and bath her as she is just WAY too big and strong for me to handle. My suggestion so far has been to find her a new home but Dave refuses to accept this outcome. So I realised something today when I was out the back sweeping the sand in between the cracks of our newly laid pavers. If I want something done I have to do it myself. I HAVE to take control. We had pavers laid on Monday and Dave was told to sweep the sand in between the pavers as soon as the sand dried. It didn't get done so instead of me nagging Dave about it - I went outside today and did it myself. And the dog behaved around me and came over for a hug and a pat. And I thought - I can do this. I can get on top of things in the backyard and I can train you Tessa!
I am also incredibly anxious about the colonoscopy and gastroscopy as you probably know. Surprise surprise... perhaps it has something to do with how very little control I have over the situation. So you know what? I have to find the things that I can control about the situation. And that is I can follow the correct diet. I can do the bowel preparation. And most importantly as soon as I have the tests done I will once again be in control of my own health. What is more important or gratifying than that?
I also get frustrated when the house becomes untidy or stuff is left laying around. I feel overwhelmed by the enormity of the housework. Instead of sitting around stressing about what needs to be done... I need to quite simply get off my bum and get stuck into it. Less clutter will make me feel more in control. Less clutter also makes the home look and feel more welcoming and it will give me a sense of pride and a feeling of happiness at a job well done.
Lastly I hate hate hate that I have to rely on Dave to financially support me and Jesse. I also hate that we live in HIS house. As much as I appreciate what he does for me and Jesse, I wish more than ever that I could be bringing in some money of my own. Or that the house was in both of our names. I realise I have no control over the latter but I can certainly do something about making some money of my own. Yes I have been searching and applying for jobs but maybe I can try harder. Put myself out there that little bit more. And then bit by bit I can save up enough money to hopefully be able to put a deposit down on a house of my own. That would be taking control of my financial situation once and for all. And it's not like it will be this way forever. I have already put steps in place to make sure that I can always provide for me and my son by pursuing a joint degree at University. This joint degree will give me the qualifications that I need to enjoy a well-paid, long-term career: Teaching. And you never know my writing might take off and then I'll have that to fall back on to as well.
I have learnt a very important lesson today and that is "In life focus only on the things that you can change and not on the things that you can't". There is no point stressing about or giving too much of your time and attention to the things that you can not change. Take control of your own life and tread your own path. Today I feel enlightened and extremely grateful that I have come to this realisation. I hope this helps at least one other person out there to also realise that if something is making you unhappy or anxious, there is something you can do about it. Take control of the situation - live your own life!
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